The Truth Hurts
by Zai-chan13
Summary: Crack! Why you never mess with Anko's breakfast or throw watermelons. Slight Sasuke bashing.


**Woooo, Author's note time! **

**Here is yet another Comedy Central-inspired one-shot written while I was half asleep. Enjoy the randomness… **

**Written why: Because nobody messes with Anko's peanut butter, damn it.**

**Disclaimer: Alright, deep breath…I do not own Naruto, pulpy orange juice, a Vin Diesel poster, porn, or the Wiggles. Just an FYI there.**

**0oo0oo0oo0oo0**

"Damn you Kakashi, this is not funny!" the psychotic Jonin screamed to the heavens. Once again, the infuriating (yet oh-so-sexy) Copy Nin had managed to one-up her in the prank department. Somehow he'd discovered her breakfast routine of peanut butter on whole wheat toast washed down with some OJ-with pulp, of course. Because Anko Mitarashi was one of the select few who not only tolerated but enjoyed the feeling of stringy citrus crap sliding down her gullet.

But Kakashi had ruined that for her. He'd mixed her ultra-super-it's-almost-just-pure-freaking-peanuts crunchy peanut butter with toothpaste. After lovingly spreading her perfectly peanuty spread, she unsuspectingly took a good sized bite from the innocent-looking breakfast. And promptly spat it out like a vegan who just chomped down on a piece of filet mignon.

Now, toothpaste-y peanut butter is already, for lack of a better term, pretty damn nasty. However, Kakashi's scheming didn't end there. Wanting to get the nasty taste out her mouth, a red-faced Anko took a swig of her orange juice.

For those of you not inwardly (or maybe even outwardly) cringing at this, simply follow these easy directions:

1-Get off your butt and go to wherever the hell you keep the orange juice. But do NOT get up before you finish reading the directions. Hold on there Skippy.

2-Drink some orange juice, preferably after you pour it in a glass of some sort.

3-Now go brush your teeth. Tastes nasty, doesn't it?

4-Don't forget to floss! (I'm looking at you Zetsu.)

Alright, moving on.

Again, Anko spat out her breakfast, showering her table with a spray of orange liquid and pulp. Hacking and coughing, she raced to her kitchen sink and shoved her mouth under the faucet as she switched on the tap. The purple-haired jonin came up moments later, dripping wet, hissing, and generally putting out the impression of a cat after a disastrous attempt at a bath.

"So that's how you wanna play it, huh Hatake?" she muttered darkly, toweling her head dry. Their prank war had been going on for months, each going back and forth with increasingly daring stunts. Normally this was all in good, blood thirst-charged fun, but this…this had crossed the line.

No one, and I do mean no one, screws with Anko's food. Not even Kakashi.

_Especially _Kakashi.

Storming into her room, she threw open her closet. No, the one on the other side of her room. With the Grumpy Care Bear sticker and the poster of Vin Diesel on it. Digging through various implements of torture, annihilation, doom, and the like, Anko's grimace Tony Hawk-d into a smile of horror-inducing proportions.

"Prepare to mop the floor, Kakashi. With your own tears."

**0oo0oo0oo0oo0**

In a tree somewhere, Kakashi placed his book on a nearby branch, using it to keep the book open. At the same time, a librarian turned over in her grave. Also, Jirayia had a random coughing fit. And Shizune pulled off a beautiful moonwalk on Tsunade's desk.

"I guess that's what I get for spiking her tea with sake," the current Hokage murmured while gawping at her assistant's perfect rendition of the "Thriller" dance. We'll miss you, Michael Jackson. Along with making fun of you.

Ahem. Anyway. Back to Kakashi.

"Well, I suppose I'd better go-ACHOO!" Whatever he had been about to admit he needed to accomplish was interrupted by a semi-autonomous, convulsive expulsion of air from the lungs through the nose and mouth, most commonly caused by foreign particles irritating the nasal mucosa.

In other words, he sneezed.

But unlike most, Kakashi did not just brush this off as a mere coincidence and continue on with his day of reading smut and screwing with his genin team's heads. No, he…oh, wait. Wrong Post-it note.

"That was odd. Oh well, time to continue on with my day of reading smut and screwing with my genin team's heads! And I need to buy post-it notes…" he trailed off, stuffing his book into his pocket and leaping down from the tree he'd been quietly reading in.

One hour later…

"Kakashi-sensei, you're…on time for once," Sakura said, the astonishment evident in her voice. Naruto was, for the first time, actually shocked into silence, and even Sasuke appeared momentarily stunned. But only momentarily. He'd worn his "I'm too cool for you now but in reality my daddy never loved me" expression for so long now that it was all but frozen on his face like Orochimaru's tongue to that ice-covered pole during that one ill-fated game of Truth or Dare. Ah, memories.

"Eh, the road of life was backed up with traffic today," he replied with a nonchalant shrug. "Now, I was thinking we could try that bell exercise again," Kakashi began. Of course, by the laws of Fanfictiondom, he was quickly interrupted by a disheveled but still sadistic Anko leaping into the scene.

"Ha! I've got you now, you peanut butter-spoiling bastard!" she screamed. Team 7 visibly shrank back, leaving Kakashi to fend for himself against the wild-eyed "crazy snake lady".

"Whatever is the matter Anko?" he asked in a sickly sweet tone. She replied with a growl.

"You know damn well what you did!" Kakashi chuckled, and barely had time to dodge as a sharp, shiny object whisked past his arm. "Hold still so I can stick you with this!" Anko demanded of him.

"Stick me with what?" Finally Kakashi could see what the object clenched in Anko's fist was: a needle. Grinning viciously, Anko opened her hand to show what it contained.

"It's truth serum," she said after a moment, causing the three genin to gasp simultaneously. Kakashi's visible eye widened.

"You wouldn't." He eyed the contents of the needle, the color of which was a peculiar mixture of rotten cabbage and fuchsia, warily.

Her next pass at his neck proved that indeed she would.

"Once I get you with this you'll be spilling your darkest secrets no problem," Anko whispered. She and Kakashi circled each other, sizing each other up. He'd seen the effect of truth serum during the biannual Jonin Christmas Party-it wasn't pretty. Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke watched with rapt attention; this would undoubtedly be one of the coolest fights they'd witnessed so far.

Suddenly Anko lunged at Kakashi, a perfect shot at his arm within her reach. Everyone sucked in their breath-team 7, Sasuke's fangirl stalkers, the author, and a very confused Greed. Ha, just kidding. The author just smiled and kept on writing.

No one knows exactly why Kakashi didn't just do a substitution jutsu, or do some fancy move on Anko's arm, or just step out of the way. What we do know is that at this moment Kakashi Hatake grabbed his nearest student and shoved them into the path of the oncoming needle.

And that, children, is how Sasuke Uchiha ended up with a needle filled with truth serum shoved in his ass.

Falling to the ground, the "Avenger" twitched uncontrollably as the truth serum traveled quickly through his bloodstream. Sakura and Naruto stared at him aghast.

"What did you do to him?!" Sakura screeched at Anko. The latter held up her hands in a "calm the fuck down, pinkie" gesture.

"Your genius sensei just got him injected with a double dose of truth serum. He should be up in minute." Anko glanced down at the still-convulsing Uchiha thoughtfully. "This should be interesting," she thought.

"Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to end well?" Kakashi pondered aloud as his most emo student stumbled to his feet, drool sliding down his chin. Without warning he burst into tears.

"It hurts, it hurts!" Sasuke continued to sob uncontrollably while rubbing his backside. Kakashi scratched the back of his head, wondering how best to approach the situation. He finally settled on the "tough love" approach.

"Alright, quit crying. Be a man." His attempts were greeted with fresh tears.

"No, it hurts! I wanna cry like a little bitch!" Sasuke choked out between sobs. His small audience gawped at him, save Naruto, who was already laughing his ass off and wishing for a video camera; they could win ten thousand dollars for this crap!

But Sakura, party pooper she is, decided that now would be a perfect time to prove her love to Sasuke, and tried to comfort him. Just as suddenly as he started Sasuke quit crying, fixing his gaze on his female teammate.

"Hey Sasuke…" Naruto trailed off, watching his teammate in grim fascination as he strode over to Sakura and grasped her by the shoulders. Said pink-haired pre-teen had an expression somewhere between gloating and complete shock plastered to her face.

"Sakura, I want you to know that you are the closest I've ever gotten to wanting a girlfriend," he began. Sakura beamed with pleasure. "But you have no boobs to speak of, so I cannot date you." Yet another round of jaw dropping all around.

"W-what, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura stuttered out. The boy held in the death grip of truth serum shook his head and sighed as though he was explaining something to a five year old that just didn't get it.

"Oh come on Sakura. I like 'em with a full rack, if you know what I mean," he clarified, holding his hands out from his own chest to establish his point.

Sakura stared at her long time crush in openmouthed horror as Naruto snorted, trying with little success to hold back incredulous laughter. Anko had no such qualms and rolled around in dirt freely, tears streaming from her cheeks. Kakashi rubbed his temples as though that alone would make the madness end. Soon he decided immediate action would have to be taken.

"Alright Sasuke, I think it's about time we-" He was cut off by an imperious "talk to the hand" gesture.

"Jeez, Kakashi-sensei. Just jack off and go home already." Really, you could almost hear the bones crack as mouths somehow found a way to drop ever lower in disbelief.

With a flourish of very questionable masculinity Sasuke whipped around and pointed a well-manicured finger at Naruto. "You!" he yelled, "I have something very important to tell you!" Naruto was, for the second time, shocked into silence (which could not possibly have had any good effect on his health). "Ever since that day we kissed, I-"

**Somewhere not too far away:**

"Ha! I told you I could toss a watermelon that far!"

"You idiot, that was our last melon! Now what are we going to put in the fruit salad?"

"Oh. Darn it…"

"Zzzzz…"

"God, damn purple idiot's asleep again! Somebody, wake his ass up!"

**Back to the future (sort of):**

Whatever Sasuke's startling confession was going to be, it was soon cut short by a watermelon flying into his skull. All SasuNaru fans immediately grabbed pitchforks and torches and left to go mob the Wiggles.

"Well," Anko said, dusting herself off, "that was fun." Kakashi shot her a glare as he gingerly picked up his unconscious student. "Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch, Kakashi. By the time he wakes up the truth serum will have run its course and he won't remember a thing."

"Damn, if only we could have recorded that," Naruto mourned. "The bastard will deny every word of it when we tell him." Anko gasped and dug for something in her pocket.

"It worked!" she cried. "I started recording this right before I showed up here. I wanted to get whatever Kakashi said on tape so I could use it as blackmail," Anko said in answer to their blank looks. She glanced shrewdly at Naruto. "How about you get me some dango and I'll make you a copy?" The young blonde nodded eagerly.

"And while you're at it, drop this off," Kakashi ordered, tossing Sasuke like a sack of potatoes covered in herpes. "I need a nap," he muttered. "And porn," the jonin added mentally.

As Sakura had already left to go cry in a corner and stuff her bra, Naruto shrugged and shouldered his surprisingly heavy teammate. Kakashi and Anko left quickly in search of smut and food, respectively.

"So," Kakashi began as they walked away, "what exactly did I do again?"

Once they were well out of earshot, Naruto dropped Sasuke and fell to the ground himself, howling with laughter.

"Beautiful! Just beautiful! My twisted plan to make Anko attack Kakashi for me worked like a charm, and now I have blackmail on this jerk! "Naruto kicked Sasuke in a place that seriously endangered the latter's ability to revive his clan to accentuate his point. "Can I get a R'amen?"

R'amen, Naruto. R'amen.

**0oo0oo0oo0oo0**

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